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6/15/2010
Happy Camp
Hi again,

I meant to finish talking about goals last night but I was so tired I couldn’t even lift my arms. I completed a goal yesterday that I set 3 and a half years ago, before things went to crap at work, before I was diagnosed with FMS, before I really starting feeling the symptoms of pain and fatigue. I earned my blackbelt in mixed martial arts! It was one of the hardest things I have done, physically and mentally. I cried when it was done. Today, I am feeling the pain of the scrapes, bruises and a black eye. I have sore muscles in places I wasn’t even sure I had muscles. I earned my blackbelt!



There is a saying that goes, “a black belt is just a white belt that never gave up”. That’s absolutely the truth! The past couple of years have been a real struggle for me physically and mentally. When I started as a white belt, I was playing soccer on 3 indoor teams and one outdoor team. I was playing ice hockey occasionally and I had a very physical job teaching physical education to kids with disabilities at 6 different schools. In just 3 short years I have retired from soccer after 32 years. I haven’t played hockey at all. I am no longer teaching. I rarely go for long walks with friends and I don’t run anymore. The only thing I held onto was the martial arts and that was out of pure stubbornness. My husband and one daughter have already earned blackbelts. My youngest will earn hers this December. Giving up was never an option.
There have been so many days that have taken all I had mentally and physically to get myself to a class and many more when I wasn’t even able to do that. I passed on the blackbelt test last December and missed a belt test this spring because of being sick and not able to train properly. I also missed too many classes to be eligible. Yesterday, I earned my blackbelt! A new goal has been set. I will earn my first degree blackbelt!

I plan on attacking FMS in this same way. I am too stubborn to give in to it. I refuse to give up my life to it. I will fight my way back to a place where I feel healthy, to a place where I decide what my day will look like, not my body. The goal has been set. The specifics of the goal and the checkpoints along the way are yet to be determined. I will let you know when I figure that out.

-Julia

PS: I don’t get nervous about things like games or physical tests. I retreat into myself before hand and try to think things through, visualize, and calm myself. I played goalkeeper for many years, high school and college. It was something I learned to do before games. I did do some tapping before the physical test yesterday just to remain calm, to go into the process thinking about nothing except the task ahead. There were many points in the test where I wanted to give up. What helped me to stay focused and not think about the physical pain and exhaustion was to repeat the Oneness blessing over and over in my head. It calmed me. It helped me to let go of the heat, sore muscles and fatigue, to not worry about what was next, to share strength with the others in my group. To just be in the moment. And I was grateful for it.

If you are new to this thread, please go back to http://lindentreephotograph.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-that-time-again.html to start. It will make more sense.


6/12/2010

L,

I think I am generating some sort of negative field all of a sudden. First my cell phone stopped working and now my lap top is being weird.

Tapping is working ok for pain management. Haven’t taken any pain meds in a couple of days. Not been dealing with anything major though it seems like some sort of progress.

I’m trying to de-stress some of my life again. I went a major life simplifying campaign several years ago. Got both girls doing the same sport in the same place and cut out most of my evening activities. Things have slowly sneaking back in as the girls get more involved in their martial arts and school. Perhaps I need to re examine some of those priorities this summer. I decided not to sell t shirts at the girls’ tournament today. It causes me too much stress to watch and coach and try to run a booth all at the same time. It was nice to be able to relax a bit but not making any money doesn’t help in my campaign to go to Italy in September.

Going to try to get some sleep for a big day tomorrow.

If you are new to this thread, please go back to http://lindentreephotograph.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-that-time-again.html to start. It will make more sense.


6/11/2010
Home

Dear Lindsay,

I can be a tad obsessive about things. Everyone who knows me needs to stop laughing NOW! Once I get something in my head, I go 150% until I can follow it through to its end. This often goes on for days, weeks and even years!

I know how you feel about labels, that we tend to view ourselves and our experiences through the lens of that label or diagnosis. I understand that and I agree to a point. I was a special education teacher for a long time and I have a bit of a different point of view. Putting a name on something can help to tie together what would otherwise be a random set of behaviors. It can be comforting to know that what you or your child is experiencing is not craziness but something that others can relate to as well. The label gives a reference point, a place to start, a way to understand why something may be happening. It should never be used as an excuse for a behavior.

I bring this up because I had a psychologist suggest once that I may have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I doubt that a formal diagnosis was ever made so I should say that I have behaviors that may be related to ADD. It has never been a problem for me but it does help to understand what has always been a big piece of my personality. I can be a bit obsessive. Just a bit.

Most people think of persons with ADD as not being able to concentrate on one thing for very long but there is another side of it. Once something captures the attention of a person with ADD, it is often difficult to let that thing go. I see this the most in my art but it is present in just about every part of my life . If I dream up a design or have a new idea for something, I feel that I must do immediately it it or I may explode. I can’t stop thinking about it. Often I can’t sleep. It causes actual anxiety until I can finally work through the idea or complete the project. I feel that way about this project right now. I am constantly writing and rewriting these letters in my head until I can’t stand it any more and need to write it out. In the end, it is helping me to put it all down on virtual paper.

Whatever you think about helping with this project it will continue in some form or another until I feel that I have said what I need to say. I dearly hope that, at its conclusion, it will be worthwhile to someone else. Of course, an email or feedback from a certain actress would keep me going in the right direction.

Love!

If you are new to this thread, please go back to http://lindentreephotograph.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-that-time-again.html to start. It will make more sense.


6/10/2010

Dear Lindsay.

Finally a day where I feel back to normal. Not that my normal is anywhere near where I want to be or where I was before. A normal day now is one where I get what I need done but not much more. Kids to school and dogs to park. To the couch for a couple of hours then pick up kids and take them where they need to go. Maybe a nap. Dinner is often an afterthought. Rarely get upstairs to do any of my art. On days that I care, it can be frustrating and boring. Today is not one of those days.

Exercise last night and a good walk at the dog park this morning has helped me immensely. Not getting weepy when I talk about the weekend. Drove all of those raw feelings out of me I guess. Or maybe I’m just too tired to worry any more. I am very sore today but it’s a better kind of sore. My biggest issue is that I have a huge lumpy bruise on the pinky side of my left hand. Tap. Ow. Tap. Ow. Tap. Ow.

Later…

If you are new to this thread, please go back to http://lindentreephotograph.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-that-time-again.html to start. It will make more sense.

6/10/2010

A Lesson on Fibromyalgia
By J.D. Hosack MS (almost)

“Fibromyalgia (pronounced fy-bro-my-AL-ja) is a common and complex chronic pain disorder that affects people physically, mentally and socially. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome rather than a disease. Unlike a disease, which is a medical condition with a specific cause or causes and recognizable signs and symptoms, a syndrome is a collection of signs, symptoms, and medical problems that tend to occur together but are not related to a specific, identifiable cause.

Fibromyalgia, which has also been referred to as fibromyalgia syndrome, fibromyositis and fibrositis, is characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. For those with severe symptoms, fibromyalgia can be extremely debilitating and interfere with basic daily activities.”
National Fibromyalgia Association
http://www.fmaware.org/site/PageServer?pagename=fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia effects millions of Americans, most often diagnosed in women in their 30’s and 40’s but it can effect men and children as well. There are no tests for FMS (fibromyalgia syndrome). It is often difficult to diagnose as patients report random symptoms and often all of the pieces of the puzzle are not present at any one time. Basically, it is a diagnosis of exclusion. Numerous blood tests are done and all come back normal. Often the patient is healthy but still reports pain, fatigue, depression, insomnia and often trouble concentrating or short term memory problems (commonly referred to as fibro fog). Ultimately, FMS is diagnosed as a last resort. The one and only “test” is to touch certain spots throughout the body referred to as “trigger points”. A person will react to 11 of 18 of these spots if they have fibromyalgia. The reaction is extreme for the amount of pressure applied. The feeling is often described at an electric jolt and a pain that lingers for minutes or more.
Treatment for FMS often includes anti depressants, pain medication, sleep medication, and physical therapy. Fibromyalgia is as debilitating socially as it is physically. People with FMS are often considered lazy, complainers and hypochondriacs. It is difficult to explain exactly what is wrong to someone who does not have FMS causing strain in marriages and friendships as well as at work.

I read a writer’s thoughts on FMS on a blog a while back. I wish I could remember where so I can give credit. It gave a pretty accurate description of what fibromyalgia can feel like.. Although the author nailed it, I am going to embellish a tad because I don’t think her language was quite strong enough.
Imagine you are going to have a party in your home. You invite 100 people. You have 10 friends who promise that they will come over the day of the party and do the cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc. The night before the party, you are so anxious that it takes you hours to get to sleep. Even when you do sleep, you wake every 2 or 3 hours with something that you have forgotten to do. In the morning you wake up stiff and sore. Your body aches. You have no energy. Your head hurts. And now you have a kink in your neck. One by one, your friends call to say they won’t be coming to help you. Your guests will be here in an hour and you have nothing done. Your husband is angry and doesn’t understand that you don’t feel well. All you want to do is crawl into a corner and cry. You are going to repeat this whole thing scenario tomorrow. This could go on for days or weeks. You never know when this day will come again. This is going to be your life from now on.

All of this I know from personal experience. I was diagnosed with FMS 2 ½ years ago. I was lucky. My doctor put the puzzle together relatively quickly. But that, my friend, is a story for another letter.

If you are new to this thread, please go back to http://lindentreephotograph.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-that-time-again.html to start. It will make more sense.


6/9/2010
Welcome to Crazy Town USA


Hi Again,


How am I supposed to do this in the middle of all of this chaos. Trying to get Linden ready for school. Got to be early today because I need to open the store. Jeanne comes down. What are you doing here? Ugh. Bob forgot to wake her up. She’s already an hour late. Got to get her there before the bus leaves for the Junior Rose Parade. Don’t have time to drop her and Linden. She’s got 5 minutes. Why is she in the shower? Trying to tap. Can’t concentrate. Both girls want me. Dogs are jumping on me with wet feet. Gotta make lunches. Don’t have time for this. Crap. Now my neck hurts. Why is Jeanne lecturing Linden about where to get off the bus? Doesn’t she know? No time for the park. Cynthia is going to worry. No cell phone to remind them I’m not there on Wednesdays. Got the girls to school. Hope there’s no traffic on 84. Nothing to drink? I know better than that! Anxiety! Need a parking place in the where I won’t hit anybody. Not too late. Got the store open. Neck is killing me. Nothing for pain. Subway gave me diet Coke? Don’t they know I can’t drink that! Finally I can sit and relax. Why does my hand hurt? Great. Cuts in my palm from digging my nails in. It helps in the moment but its got to stop! Where is my miracle cure?


I'm going to do some tapping while the store is empty then watch some me Bionic Woman online. Please don’t bother me unless you’re here to buy cards!

-Julia

PS I can’t leave you hanging like that. I did do some tapping on the pain this morning. My neck still stiff and sore if I move but the burning pain has gone away. Left a cold feeling in its place. Weird. I feel totally drained, kind of a drugged feeling. Linden has an audition this afternoon but now I feel like I can handle a return trip to Portland. Will try to get some excercise tonight. Tomorrow will be easier.

Linden and I went through some tapping before her audition. She said it helped and she wasn’t shy at all and even little bit silly. She was pretty excited about how it made her feel. I did some training for the run, push ups and sit ups for my blackbelt test before class tonight. It went better than I thought I would after sitting on my butt all weekend. There may be hope for Sunday after all. Feels so good to be physically exhausted instead of emotionally. Feeling really free right now. Yay for endorphins. My body will probably be telling a different story in the morning.

Take care,

-Julia

If you are new to this thread, please go back to http://lindentreephotograph.blogspot.com/2010/08/its-that-time-again.html to start. It will make more sense.



6/8/2010
Dear Lindsay,

Back at home

Hi again. Not really intending to send this letter but I am pretty stuck on this idea of writing to you so I need to put it all down so I can let it go. Maybe it will become something. Maybe I’ll get it out of my system in a couple of days when I calm down. Don’t worry, I’m not going to inundate you with emails. Don’t even know what you might think about the whole project. I’m hoping but not really expecting. Anyway, I’m home now. I’m not a nervous flyer but I was doing some tapping just to deal with, what my Dr. calls, “free floating anxiety”. The lady next to me probably thought I was loon but I’m strangely OK with that. Definitely need to find a way to disguise the process. Its pretty good until the chicken wing thing.

Things were so simple in Ontario. Well, not really because I was struggling with the process but I saw so much hope in the simplicity of EFT. Just do it. Work on it. It will eventually get better. I can do that.

Things aren’t quite that easy at home. I came home to my regular schedule of pick ups and drop offs. Three kids going six different directions. Dogs freaking because they haven’t been to the park in four days. A mail box full of over due bills and overdraft statements. Tap tap tap. I can’t drive and do this. Crap. Picking at my nails and now pinching. The picking is normal. The pinching is extreme. I think I am so much more aware of the anxiety right now. Its not your fault but I still feel pretty raw from the weekend. No way to distract myself with knitting or games on my phone. I feel like I need to lock myself in the bathroom and tap all night. One , two and three times is not going to be enough right now. Nobody here to help. No calming aura I can tap into. I feel very much alone right now. I think I shall be working on that while at the girls’ music lessons tonight.

Don’t worry.

Love,
-Julia



A quick note on self injury:

Self injury such as pinching, head banging, biting and cutting are used by people in moments of emotional distress. It’s a form of self medication like alcohol, drugs, over eating, or anything that causes an intense physical response. The basic idea is that physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. The person will induce pain in order to focus on that sensation instead of the feelings that are troubling them. For me, I use pinching when I feel overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety. I’ve seen head banging and biting frequently when working with children with autism. Many people with autism, especially those who are non verbal, deal with a huge amount of stress, anxiety and confusion in their lives. Without a way to communicate their needs, they internalize to the point where they will either strike out or turn to self abuse to deal with those feelings. Cutting is the same idea but is the extreme. It is most often seen in teenage girls but more boys are starting to cut as well as younger children and adults. When they cut, people often take a knife or razor blade to the inside of their arms or legs and cut to the point of drawing blood. Because it is so extreme, cutting is often a sign of depression and should be addressed by a mental health professional immediately. Without help, kids will continue to cut more frequently until even that no longer works. Many cutters will eventually try to commit suicide.