Friday, September 10, 2010

If you are new to this thread, please go back to to start. It will make more sense.

Dear Lindsay,

Back at home

Hi again. Not really intending to send this letter but I am pretty stuck on this idea of writing to you so I need to put it all down so I can let it go. Maybe it will become something. Maybe I’ll get it out of my system in a couple of days when I calm down. Don’t worry, I’m not going to inundate you with emails. Don’t even know what you might think about the whole project. I’m hoping but not really expecting. Anyway, I’m home now. I’m not a nervous flyer but I was doing some tapping just to deal with, what my Dr. calls, “free floating anxiety”. The lady next to me probably thought I was loon but I’m strangely OK with that. Definitely need to find a way to disguise the process. Its pretty good until the chicken wing thing.

Things were so simple in Ontario. Well, not really because I was struggling with the process but I saw so much hope in the simplicity of EFT. Just do it. Work on it. It will eventually get better. I can do that.

Things aren’t quite that easy at home. I came home to my regular schedule of pick ups and drop offs. Three kids going six different directions. Dogs freaking because they haven’t been to the park in four days. A mail box full of over due bills and overdraft statements. Tap tap tap. I can’t drive and do this. Crap. Picking at my nails and now pinching. The picking is normal. The pinching is extreme. I think I am so much more aware of the anxiety right now. Its not your fault but I still feel pretty raw from the weekend. No way to distract myself with knitting or games on my phone. I feel like I need to lock myself in the bathroom and tap all night. One , two and three times is not going to be enough right now. Nobody here to help. No calming aura I can tap into. I feel very much alone right now. I think I shall be working on that while at the girls’ music lessons tonight.

Don’t worry.


A quick note on self injury:

Self injury such as pinching, head banging, biting and cutting are used by people in moments of emotional distress. It’s a form of self medication like alcohol, drugs, over eating, or anything that causes an intense physical response. The basic idea is that physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. The person will induce pain in order to focus on that sensation instead of the feelings that are troubling them. For me, I use pinching when I feel overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety. I’ve seen head banging and biting frequently when working with children with autism. Many people with autism, especially those who are non verbal, deal with a huge amount of stress, anxiety and confusion in their lives. Without a way to communicate their needs, they internalize to the point where they will either strike out or turn to self abuse to deal with those feelings. Cutting is the same idea but is the extreme. It is most often seen in teenage girls but more boys are starting to cut as well as younger children and adults. When they cut, people often take a knife or razor blade to the inside of their arms or legs and cut to the point of drawing blood. Because it is so extreme, cutting is often a sign of depression and should be addressed by a mental health professional immediately. Without help, kids will continue to cut more frequently until even that no longer works. Many cutters will eventually try to commit suicide.

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